Geisha, Interrupted

Not So Big in Japan, Actually. . .

Here we have Santa Claus hanging from a cross, naturally.

The urban myth associated with this picture tells of a Japanese department store during the postwar American occupation that wanted to create an Americanized Christmas display in their windows to promote the holiday season.  Having had little exposure to the meaning of Christmas in the West, the designers merged their limited knowledge of Christmas and Christianity into a single billboard featuring a crucified Santa.

It's a pretty funny story, except it never actually happened.

The urban legend is brilliantly debunked on the myth-busters site snopes.com, where it is clarified that the painting is actually an American Artist's commentary on the commercialization of the holiday season. The site goes on to note that the first reports of this legend surfaced in the early 90's, suggesting that the myth actually stems from America's collective fear of Japan's economic supremacy during the bubble period.  Though I can't copy the exact article here, I highly recommend you check it out.

It makes me think of a mass email I received from a non-Japanese friend some time ago.  Its subject was "Japanese Inventions" and it consisted of a series of photo-shopped images, masquerading the Internet as "big in Japan".  Only one of the featured inventions was of an actual consumer product here.  Luckily, I was able to find and extract these images from deep within the mess of unnecessary files that clog my computer. 

For those readers who are not based in Japan, it might be fun for you to try and guess which one of these ridiculous inventions is an actual Japanese product:

A)

B)

C)

D)

E)

F)

G)

H)

To answer, A, B and C are completely impractical.  The rain attire would not last a minute on Japan's crowded streets, and the ramen fan would render the attached chopsticks unusable since it can't be attached to both of them at once.  D and E are likely to be photo-shopped images of typical scenes on Japan's commuter trains.  The superimposed devices are just not necessary, as the Japanese are perfectly capable of falling asleep while standing up on a crowded train without further assistance.  F and G are just retarded.  It is considered a sin here for a woman to blow her nose in public, let alone wear a roll of toilet paper on her head to facilitate the disgusting act.  And children in Japan are thought to be godlike creatures until they turn about three, so they'd never be made to help with the housework in such a way. 

So yes, the true Japanese invention is "H".  Seeing as the most consistent characteristic of Japanese husbands is their general absence at home, the "man pillow" is a practical gift for any Japanese housewife this holiday season.

Can You Hear The Potatoes Singing. . .

from a few miles away??  If so, then you live in Japan.

Once the heat of the summer subsides, the sounds of the singing sweet potato trucks hit the streets of Tokyo.  When these traveling vendors begin to blare their "yakiimo (roasted sweet potato) song," this signifies the change in seasons even moreso than the autumnal equinox itself.  The equinox, after all, doesn't have a megaphone.

Below is my neighborhood sweet potato vendor, waving to me yesterday morning outside of my apartment, a few moments before I purchased a roasted sweet potato.

The typical gaijin in Japan goes through three general stages of culture shock with respect to the 'singing potato phenomenon.'  At first, this potato truck is the funniest thing you've ever seen in your life and you can't stop talking about how delightfully bizarre it all is.  You even sing the yakiimo song in random intervals on the Karaoke mike, which your friends find hilarious.

But just as quickly, the excitement can turn into rage. At this stage, you realize that the yakiimo song it not so much melodic as it is a blaring chant that would be considered noise pollution almost anywhere else in the world.  If these potato trucks were to ever grace the streets of your home city, people would throw rocks at them or worse.  Personally, I wanted to throw large blunt objects at the trucks for waking me up during my long afternoon naps (I was working nights by that stage, after all). The Japanese, on the other hand, are rather patient people.  I have to give them that.

Then, finally, there comes the third and final phase: potato acceptance.  For me, this is to admit that roasted sweet potatoes taste quite good (although it is arguable whether this merits a megaphone), and to acknowledge that, should I choose to stay out all night and sleep during the afternoons in Autumn, a singing potato truck is likely to punish me for it. 

Deep Thoughts

Japanese fashon is like a constant riddle.  It always keeps us thinking, with deep questions such as:

and also:

and below, is my personal favorite:

My Very Own Oshiri Kajiri Mushi

Look who I found at the local toy shop today!

It seems that the oshiri kajiri mushi (butt-biting bug) has come a long way since I last posted his video here on my blog.  Even the foreign media is talking about him, and I have taken it upon myself to further illustrate the Australian news article below.  Enjoy!

Japan sinks teeth into 'bottom-biting bug'

In Japan, a strange insect has become a national phenomenon.

The "Bottom Biting Bug", as he's known, has been catapulted from a song on an afternoon children's television program to a karaoke favourite and now a live stage show.

And now the bug that's sunk its teeth into the nation's consciousness might have a message for modern Japan as well.

With alarming frequency, pop culture fads sweep across Japan. The animated monotonal bug responsible for this brain-catching song is one of the latest.

"Oshiri kajiri mushi" is what he sings, and it's what he is - the bottom-biting bug. . .

"He's a bug that likes to bite bottoms," Derubi (one of his designers) explained.

"When he was biting energetic bottoms in the countryside he was also energetic, but then when he came and started biting tired bottoms in the city, they tasted bitter and got sick."

The bug learns from his overindulgence, but vows to continue biting bottoms.

And the message in the song seems to have struck a chord with Japan's highly urbanised population.

"In this the modern society, people are living and trying not to be involved with others, even when they pass by or they're on the same train," Uruma said.

"I didn't feel very good about that, and this bug suddenly comes along and bites you on the bottom. For us that biting is the same action as suddenly talking or starting a conversation with somebody."

The bug's newfound fame is not expected to end here. His moment in the spotlight could be further extended, with hopes for more animated adventures, even a children's picture book.

Not bad for a bug who got his start on afternoon television, sinking his teeth into people's backsides.

what NOT to do, illustrated

So I finally broke down and got the Harry Potter game for my Nintendo Wii. So I don't get out as much anymore, and this has given my inner dork a true chance to shine, so what?  Who among you could really resist a video game in which the Wii controller becomes a motion sensitive magic wand?  I've always wanted a magic wand.  I used to ask for one for my birthday every year up until I stopped believing it would work.

Wands do have their setbacks though.  Check out the warning notice that came with my new software.  It's pretty self explanatory. 

We wouldn't want that to happen, huh.  Japan is the land of curiously illustrated warning signs, the majority of which advise against glaringly obvious mishaps.

For example, don't fall into the construction pit!

Now take a day at the escalator.  Here in Tokyo, we have warning signs to remind us NOT roll our babies' strollers down the stairs just to see what happens.

NOT to kick the elderly, no matter how slowly they walk in front of you.

and NOT die and fling your lifeless body over the guardrail, as this will inconvenience other riders.

Now for my personal favorite ode to the obvious, the Don't Molest People Campaign:

It's a good thing perverts are so easy to recognize, with their scaly backs, leotards and outstretched index fingers.  God forbid the molesters look like everyone else.

Along with the obvious, there seems to be a subtle consensus among warning signs that one should not ride a bicycle or bathe in a public facility while being a white, foreign male:

 

Has anyone else seen that early episode of South Park in which "sexual harassment panda"  gets exiled to "the island of misfit mascots" because "well, a panda doesn't have anything to do with sexual harassment...at all" ??  Well, the island of misfit mascots feels familiar somehow. . . 

This is "greasy," the don't-pour-oil-down-the-sink grease blob with plans of world domination:

And "Gaga," the don't-park-your-bike-in-the-entranceway-lest-I-kick-your-ass evil baby:

"Nonsmokey," the don't-smoke-on-the-street bear in a bear costume:

I'd be more careful about copyright infringement lawsuits, winnie-the-stand-clear-of-the-train's-doors-or-you'll-be-in-deep-pooh...

Then there are the classic your-hand-is-stuck-in-the-door-so-we'll-just-point-and-smile raccoons:

And finally "Elfie" (bottom left), the always-obey-the-Tokyo-Metropolitan-Police midget alien:

New Toy Alert!

So I was in Akihabara the other day, trying to ignore all the maids, when I decided to get a USB device that allows me to pick up Japanese TV reception on my computer.  I can also record stuff and take snapshots (although I don't know how to convert the video files yet.)  Anyways, I used my new toy to view a program just now called "waratte ii tomo".  This is a game show that I've been following on and off since I first moved to Japan.  The title may as well translate to: "extremely famous people doing extremely stupid things for our amusement at lunchtime".  When I worked in an office, this show- which airs from 12 to 1pm, was always playing in the lunchroom during our break.  It was as if the program's specific purpose was to make us forget about our mundane jobs by showing us the most ridiculous things the producers could possibly think of.

Such as this altered version of charades.

Famous dude below is supposed to imitate a "sexy Indian woman":

Now he's supposed to act like his ass is on fire:

And this is him as Louis XIV:

So viewer, have you forgotten that your job is pointless yet?  If not, maybe it's time for some life-sized Jenga...

just when i think i've seen it all. . .

Allow me to introduce you to the oshiri kajiri mushi, or, the "butt-biting bug". . .

P.S.  I spotted him on a crowded train the other day!  Can you find the butt biting bug?

in which one blogger finds "sanity" atop a toilet seat in a public restroom

That is all.

pinky, the ghetto care bear

I had to go to the doctor today in Shibuya, to get a new prescription for birth control.  Here in Japan, my prescription for the pill has to be renewed every month.  As a result, I've never made so many meaningless trips to the doctor's office in my life.  It's become like a ritual.  First I wait for an hour in the waiting room, then when my number is finally called I walk into his office and say "same as last month."  He says "ok," checks some boxes on the computer screen at his desk then clicks his mouse on "enter," and I am out in less than a minute.  Seriously, I think we spoke for less than 30 seconds today.  Birth control is not covered by my national health insurance, but in a country where the health minister has referred to women as "birth-giving-machines," on record, what can you really expect.

At least I got through the process more quickly than I usually do.  The waiting room was not nearly as crowded as usual, seeing as a lot of people are on holiday this week.  I was running pretty far ahead of schedule, with two whole hours to kill before I had to be at my AA meeting this evening in Roppongi.  I had my camera with me, so I thought I might lurk around Shibuya and take pictures of weird things.  But I decided against it, because everyone else had the same idea.  Everyone takes pictures in Shibuya.  And I swear, every other person in Shibuya was holding a camera today.

So instead of staying in Shibuya for a good hour of random street photography, I hopped the Yamanote line and got off a few stops over in Shinjuku.  Heading out the East exit, I emerged in Kabukicho.  Not too many people go around snapping photos on the streets of Kabukicho.  Maybe they're scared to.  Kabukicho after all, is considered to be the most dangerous neighborhood in Tokyo.  And yet, to be "the most dangerous" neighborhood in a city where virtually nobody (but senior gang members) owns a gun, says basically nothing.   

Still, it is more or less a red light district that is overrun with yakuza.  "Kabuki" refers to the traditional Japanese theater, while "cho" means town.  That said, the district's name evokes referrences to a time in the nation's history when theater actors were synonymous with prostitutes.

And now, you are about to witness the heart of the Tokyo Ghetto.  You have been warned.

Can you find Winnie-the-Pooh hiding in the enterance to this sex shop??

And here we have the back of a host. 

                  

Hosts can easily be spotted in the area.  Just look for their giant, overstyled hair. 

The building at the end of the road that looks like an enchanted castle is a love hotel.  Kabukicho is known for those, too.

I can't decide which job would be worse: a Kabukicho host, or that pink bear.  That suit's gotta be hot in this heat wave.  And I thought the salarymen had it bad. . .

Ok, that's enough for today.  Byebye from Tokyo Ghettoland!!

      

      

Japan Loves Nature (and bondage...) Part II: Tree or Poodle???

Rules for the first ever Tree-or-Poodle contest:                                                                                                                              

This game contains ten very challenging questions.  Contestants should scroll down to view each pair of images and decide which photograph is that of an overly groomed Japanese tree near my house, and which picture contains an actual poodle.  Ready?

GO!

1)             Choice A                                       Choice B

 

2)        Choice A                          Choice B

 

3)      Choice A                  Choice B

4)             Choice A                                              Choice B

5)               Choice A                              Choice B

6)         Choice A                          Choice B

7)          Choice A                   Choice B

8)                Choice A                                        Choice B

9)        Choice A                          Choice B

10)  Choice A              Choice B

FINE PRINT: No trees or poodles were harmed (more than they were already) in the making of this post.  Contestants should be aware that there are no winners.  Not an actual contest.