Geisha, Interrupted

How to Run for Your Life

It was a bit of a 'natural high' kill. 

On the set of my latest "acting" stint for a children's television program, as people were preparing to throw 'smoking' cardboard rocks at me, the Japanese director explained to a group of us what we were to do.

First, we were supposed to look up at the sky curiously.  When a woman behind the camera said "Bokaaan!" ("boom!"), we were to scream in terror at a monstrous beast in the sky, then turn and run for our lives.

"Act like it's the World Trade Center," the director said in Japanese, all too casually.  I hadn't processed fully processed his words yet when the on set translator repeated the order in English, which, for some reason, caught me even more off guard.

"Do you mean like the World Trade Center in the Oliver Stone film, or in the actual terrorist attacks?" I would have loved to ask him so much, if I didn't already know the answer: that there was no difference.

I have long ago given up on any attempts to convince the Japanese that the World Trade Center did not fall for the express purpose of their cinematic entertainment. Terror doesn't usually cross cultures without any serious distortions, I find.

"I would feel more artistically inclined to imagine that I am running from the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, is that ok?"  I would have loved to have asked as well, if only to witness the expression on the director's face when I did.

Hey, who's that person-running-away-from-a-monstrous-beast???

Not every day do I get to say that I was just chased by a "monstrous beast".  Yes, I got another silly TV job, and the filming took place today.  I've come a long way since playing the lowly role of "a scientist who doesn't care about how she looks."  Having moved onto bigger and better things (although my main talent is still "being white"), today I took part in an action scene for a children's television program.  I played the role of "person running away from monstrous beast," and I brought my own camera this time.

Here's a glimpse at my terrifying pursuer below, as he takes some down time before the shoot. 

And these are the guys who throw rocks at me, whilst I run away from a building that has just been destroyed by the "monstrous beast".

Meanwhile on the other end of the set, making sure all of their spandex is in place, these power ranger knockoffs are about to save my white ass.

All the while, "some chick" is looking surprisingly calm given the gravity of her current situation.

I will post more about my Action Adventure later, but right now I am too tired from running and being pelted with cardboard rocks.  I wish I could have traded places with one of the rock throwers or with the "monstrous beast," as either of those roles would have suited me far better.   

Hey, Who's That Scientist-who-doesn't-care-about-how-she-looks??!

As some of you may already know, a couple of months ago your very own Geisha, Interrupted was selected by NHK studios in Tokyo to play the epic role of: "a scientist who doesn't care about how she looks" (actual job description) on a weekly Japanese TV program.

Sorry about the wave interference, but even superstars such as myself do not know (or don't listen when people tell them) that you shouldn't take pictures of a television screen. So please interpret the black lines as futile attempts to preserve what might be left of my anonymity.

So here I am, not caring about how I look:

And that's me again, not caring about how I look as I analyze the difference between green and orange mouthwash:

And finally, my big moment. All this not-caring-about-how-I-look finally pays off as I look up from the microscope (which I was never really looking into anyway because they wanted to see my eyes as I worked), hold up one finger, and announce that I have found the enzyme that causes male pattern baldness!

Scientist who doesn't care about how she looks: "IT'S 5 ALPHA REDUCTASE, TYPE 2!"

It was a great moment in the history of Japanese television. T and I have not had this big of a laugh in a very very long time (and we laugh quite a lot.)

My Japanese TV Career...

can be best summed up by a single word: a "joke".  And it is the type of joke that gets more and more ridiculous- yet not necessarily funnier- as I keep responding to these casting calls.  It is also a joke because I could not be more indifferent to this line of work if I tried.  I am not an actress, I am just white. 

When the talent agency with which all foreigners in Japan are registered (and this is with the understanding that the word "talent" should be taken very loosely in translation) called me on Thursday evening to tell me that I had been selected for a small role, I couldn't think of a good enough reason to refuse.  I need money, after all.  The agent said that shooting would take place the next day.  I said that I could make it, because I am not terribly busy with work lately (largely why I need the money).

She went on to describe the role for which I had been chosen.  If there was any inkling of hope left inside of me that my Japanese modeling career was about to take off, it was killed off at that very moment.

"Your role is that of a scientist who doesn't really care about how she looks.  She is older than you and she looks tired, like she hasn't slept in days."

I had been chosen to play an ugly person.  In retrospect, this is likely because she was a prominent scientist, and some brains are not large enough to fit the concepts of beauty and intelligence inside them at the same time.  But whatever.

"Don't wear too much make-up and your hair should be messy.  Do you have a pair of glasses?"

"I wear glasses, sometimes."

"Are they designer glasses?"

"No, boring glasses."

"Ok, those would be perfect."

So aside from being an important scientist, I was basically chosen to play myself.  Well, the way I chose to present myself before leaving the house, or before leaving my neighborhood, as I am known to go to the convenience store in my pajamas.  I know all about indifference to appearances.

The shooting itself was actually very amusing for me.  My character, as I found out that day, was a scientist who discovered an enzyme that caused male pattern baldness.  How delightfully random.

I got to dress in a lab coat, look into a fake microscope and study test tubes filled with different colored mouth wash.  At one point, I poured one into the other without even spilling! I even had a spoken line.

3! 2! 1!...

Me: "It's 5-Alpha Reductase, type 2!!"

I had to do this about five times.  Each time, the director demanded more flamboyance and excitement, until I was practically shouting the line and describing the name of this enzyme through interpretive dance.

I forgot to ask when my segment is supposed to air, but I will certainly inquire about that soon.  If I could manage to get a copy of it on video tape, I know that these clips will provide countless hours of entertainment for my friends and family back at home.

The laughs will all be at my expense, of course, but that's entertainment.

スーパースターの日記 。。。

My first experience on a Japanese television show was a lot like my first night in a Tokyo hostess bar. The decorations were kitchy and the entire mood felt unreal. Still, I was getting paid a lot of money for a job that turned out to require little more that sitting still and nodding my head as I pretended to be impressed by what yet another middle-aged man had to say. The similarities to nightclub hostessing- which I have since quit for good after it nearly destroyed me- were uncanny. The producers tell you where to sit, they tell you how to sit, and they give explicit instructions on how to act.

This lead me to a predictably familiar impulse. “Okay, I did everything you told me to,” I wanted to say, “now WHERE THE HELL IS MY DRINK??” But alas, there will be no more drinks for me. And this was not one of those television shows where they make you take a shot when you get an answer wrong (I actually had to check with my Japanese agent to be sure this wouldn’t the case). So I got through it without the help of liquid confidence, as if it were another party where I had to drink coke.

The hosts of the show asked me only two questions in total, both of which were so stupid they do not bear repeating, and I managed conjure some responses, in Japanese of course. I should mention that when I was first learning this language I found it hard to speak at all without some sake in me to loosen my tongue. Yet there I was, not only speaking Japanese while sober, but also with dozens of bright lights shining in my face.

It makes me feel like I am progressing, and that I totally rock. This is all very novel to me.

I Am a Medical Specialist! (world: officially doomed)

Guess what?  I'm going to be on Japanese television today!  Yes I am.  I'm going to act as one of the judges on a Japanese gameshow.  From all I hear, it is a medically themed program through the course of which two famous Japanese comedians will present their individual research concerning the causes of a medical condition called "kanashibari" or "sleep paralysis".  I will then indicate how impressed I am by each presentation by holding up either a red or a blue card.  The network (NHK) chose me for this prestigious position based not upon my expertise, but rather, upon a photograph.  On one photograph.

I must have been looking pretty damn smart that day.