Geisha, Interrupted

Surprise: Cartoon Porn!

So I have become quite the soda connoisseur since cutting all that booze out of my diet.  All the while it's been my assumption that soda- be it of questionable nutrition- is a relatively unfuckedup commercial entity.  By that I mean that it doesn't market "sex in a bottle" as explicitly as its alcoholic counterparts.  The pictures I took below are only a sampling of that 'larger than life' trend. 

("we will" what???)

But soda too?  Well, it looked innocent enough in the vending machine.

But as I turned the bottle around, a figure appeared to be emerging from within.

Surprise!  It's cartoon porn!

This marketing technique has filled me with questions, such as:

This can't be the same bottle design that Dr. Pepper uses back in The States, can it???

And, now that I don't drink alcohol, am I going to appear just as "sexually available" if I'm sipping on a Dr. Pepper instead???

And why is that woman's hat way too small for her head???

I wish I could have brought this can into class when we were discussing the regionalization of marketing to Asia back at school.  I can just picture the board room meeting now. 

Exec A: Now we need to alter our can design slightly for the Japanese market.  Who knows what the Japanese like best?

Exec B: I know, the Japanese love cartoon porn!

Exec A: Exactly, the answer is cartoon porn.

Exec B: Wow, I'm exhausted from all this critical thinking.  Let's go out and get some hookers and a hotel room. . .

Exec A: Great idea.  Meeting adjourned!

Stop The Maids!!!

Have you ever come across a popular fashion trend that is so inherently wrong to the core that prolonged exposure to it can actually make a person feel physically ill??

I doubt you have, that is, unless you have already encountered the french maid craze that is going on in Akihabara right now.  It appears to have started with the maid cafes, where customers line up for hours in order to be serviced by young women dressed up like french maids. (Please note that "cafe" is not a euphemism for anything; these establishments serve tea and coffee.)

 

Now however, this french-maid-syndrome has been spreading out of its designated cafes and all about Akihabara like the social disease that this "fashion trend" actually is.  I am suddenly feeling bombarded by these "french maids" all over the district.

 

You know, nothing symbolizes that delicate balance between subservience and sex like a french maid costume; not many fads can scream "I-live-to-serve-you-now-fuck-me," quite like it. 

To make matters worse, there are many different outfits for the prospective maid to choose from at your typical Akihabara outlet.

There's My Lovely Maid:

My Pretty Maid:

My Honey Maid:

My Cotton Maid (now with real cotton stuffing instead of a brain!):

My Mental-patient Maids:

My Zombie Maids:

My Hello Kitty Maid:

My Evil Kitty Maid:

And, My Eerily-cute-space-alien Maid:

So, I hope my case is clear by now.   That is to say, I am calling for a quarantine of the entire Akihabara district until this ridiculous trend is eliminated!!

twinkie defense for subway gropers

I came upon bizarre news story today, regarding the disturbingly frequent incidents of molestation on crowded subway cars.  When an article is titled "It's candy or bust for stressed-out 'gropaholics'" (I think that's supposed to be a pun), and begins with this sentence:

Summer, when women wear skimpier clothes and expose more flesh, traditionally sparks a jump in cases of train groping

. . .this is usually a good time to stop reading.  And yet I keep going. I must hate myself very, very much.  The following passages appear towards the end of the article:

While the average salaryman may see a woman's bust and be impressed, he'll generally turn away. Yet some men simply can't resist the temptation and thrust their hands out to cop a feel.

"When men are aroused by some sort of external influence, such as aroma, the dorsal lateral nucleus and preoptic area of the brain's instinct-controlling hypothalamic region become aroused and make the body act. Normally, this is what stirs the groins of men who see a beautiful woman," Yamamoto says. (blah...blah...blah) There's a high likelihood that habitual gropers may have something wrong with the way the prefrontal part of their brains are working."

Food culture researcher Hisao Nagayama says that chewing gum and candy could be a way for chronic gropers to combat their molesting malady.

"Excess stress causes a decrease in glucose, the brain's only source of energy, which in turn brings about a decreased ability to control impulses. Sucking on glucose-filled candy might be a good idea," the food expert tells Shukan Post. "Chewing stimulates the cerebral cortex, which raises consciousness, and could perhaps stop the impulsive grab, so gum may be a good choice, too."

Ok ok, but hasn't anyone ever told Dr. Expert that Sexual Abuse is more about power than it is about sex??? Me, I learned that in freshman sex-ed class back in the 90's.

In light of this new "scientific discovery," I half expect the Tokyo Metro authorities (the same people who founded the ineffective and shortsighted "women-only" subway cars) to start passing out twinkies on subway platforms during rush hour.

They could call the campain Bonbons for Bumgrabbers, Gumdrops for Gropaholics, or Candy for the should-be-Castrated!!  (And in Japanese, there's always okashi for the okashii.)

Before they all start mobilizing the twinkies, though, they may want to also question their policy of decorating every other train car with advertisements that consist of soft core porn.

But that's just my opinion.