Geisha, Interrupted

Beating Skin Cancer With Beastiality

So...is anyone else in Tokyo totally weirded out by Coppertone`s new summer ad campaign??  I mean we`ve all seen the company`s iconic 1959 billboard, but I think one needs to have a pretty twisted imagination in order to insinuate anything less than tasteful there. 

Yet when you slip this image through a 50 year time warp, then leave it in the hands of the the Japanese, here is what you end up with:

Is it me, or does that little dog look to be getting a great deal more action?  

I can`t help but wonder what Cheri Brand thinks of all this.

Smile, Interrupted

There comes a time for all gaijin bloggers, when our personal Engrish collections have become so prolific that there is nothing left to do but unload, paste, and publish.  But before I do, I`ve been wondering a lot about why Engrish is as funny as it is.  I mean, no matter how long you live here, why doesn`t this joke ever get old?  Why does Engrish.com such a staple of our subculture?  What do our unquenchable appetites for ridiculious English say about us as foreigners.

And why, I`d like to know, can`t I stop myself from covertly snapping a picture of this stranger on the train, just so I can proclaim on my blog that I`ve found Almighty God on the subway today?

According to one theory on the psychology of comedy, our laughter stems from an unconscious need to resurrect our sore gaijin egos. No really.  As it turns out, the Engrish phenomenon is a remarkably high testament to the so called “superiority theory” of humor.  Fitting with its name, this theory states that the essence of comedy derives ultimately from feelings of superiority. So when we laugh, we are laughing 'at' some failure, defect, deformity, misfortune, or accident of others.

Kind of a buzz kill, but I think there is a connection here.

The Superiority Theory of Humor dates back to Aristotle and Plato. Aristotle defined the ludicrous as "a failing or a piece of ugliness which causes no pain," and likens jokes to "a kind of abuse" which should ideally be undertaken without hurting anyone.  Similarly, Plato related comedy to "the malice of amusement" at the ignorant and ridiculous.

The philosopher Thomas Hobbes developed these ideas into the most well known version of the Superiority theory. Hobbes wrote that "that the passion of laughter is nothing else but sudden glory arising from some sudden conception of some eminency in ourselves, by comparison with the infirmity of others, or with our own formerly"

Within this context, laughing at Japanese attempts at English could be seen as an aggression based humor than maintains ego boundaries and restores self-esteem at the expense of others.

That said, do you really even want to scroll down and look at the rest of my Engrish collection??

Of course you do.

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Star Light, Star Bright...

Earlier this week, Tanabata was celebrated here in Japan.  Tanabata is a festival marking the annual meeting of two star-crossed, um, stars, who meet only once a year on opposite sides of the Milky Way.  To celebrate their yearly date, people write personal wishes on bright paper and tie it to bamboo trees. 

The G8 leaders up at the Hokkaido summit this week even participated in the custom.  President George W. Bush wished for a world free from tyranny. German Chancellor Angela Merkel wished that a bright star will shine over the summit and everyone will meet their responsibilities. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown wished for the eradication of poverty and an end to terrorism. As for Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda, he recycled a proverb about learning from past wisdoms and creating new ones.  In my humble opinion, Fukuda should have taken this opportunity to wish for sexier hair.  But even if he had, these world leaders have certainly placed some hefty demands on those stars.

Back in the real world, I recently passed by a shopping center which sported the traditional star festival decorations near the entrance.  I found this display far more heartwarming, especially since the majority of the wishes already hung upon the tree were written by Kindergartners in an apparent class project. 

 

The kids` wishes fell into two general categories.  The first, was aspirations for the future:

 

"I want to travel the world"

 

"I want to get even better at swimming"

"I want to become a swimming instructor"

 

"I want to be rich."

"I want to find lots of fossils"

 

I want to get skinny. (Maybe the teacher wrote this one, I hope???)

 

"I want to become cute."

 

"I want to grow up healthy"

 

"I want to get good at video games."

  

"When I grow up, I want to work in a hospital."

 

The other category is "instant gratification:"

 

 

"I want a gold treasure chest."

"I want to eat lots and lots...

  

...of doughnuts." 

"I want lots of birthday presents."

"I want a Chinese bunny."

 

"I want to be `Milky Rose.`" 

Milky Rose, to the best of my knowledge is a children`s cartoon character.  It seems a bit of an odd wish, but I think we`ll all agree that this young girl stands a far better chance at morphing into a glittery anime character than George Bush`s got at ending tyranny.

The Skeletons of Ukiyo

As I continue to read about Edo-era Yoshiwara courtesans for the next book I am planning, I have to constantly warn myself against glamorizing the difficult lives of these high-class prostitutes.  

Yoshiwara, after all, was a glittering spectacle of flourishing arts and cultural transformations in its day. The walled city`s top-ranked courtesans were famed beauties decked in exquisite, grandiose robes (think sakuran).  So for anyone attempting to recreate such an elaborate scene, there is a real temptation to romanticize. 

Luckily for me, the ultimate cure for such literary pitfalls exists right up the Sumida river from my apartment.  Yes, I am talking about the remains of the Yoshiwara, now known as Senzoku yonchome.  "Remains" is a apt description of the neighborhood, I think.  Modern Yoshiwara truly is a skeleton of what it once was, and not just because its gate burned to the ground last century and the moat has long been filled.

 

At first, all the soap lands and other brothels reminded me of Kabukicho.  Yet base as it is, Kabukicho has a flare of contemporary culture about it, an allure that brings other types of business as well, making it an  exiting place to hang out even if the flesh trade is not your thing.  But the Yoshiwara remains are different: Nobody but prostitutes, brothel doormen, johns and their drivers populate these streets, even at lunchtime.  It is the sex trade stripped down to the bones: ugly and shameless.

I was propositioned quite a few times (in broad daylight!) while taking these pictures yesterday.  

(Queen Bee: Violence Soap)

Sketchy Old Man #1: Where are you going now?

Your intrepid reporter: No.

SOM#1: You`re so cold to me.

YIR: Damn right.  Now go away.

SOM#2: What are you doing around here?

YIR: No.

Sketchy Old Man #3: Harro!

Your Intrepid Reporter: Bai Bai!

SOM#3: Huh?

YIR: No. 

Sound Effect: Bicycle tires screeching to a halt behind your intrepid reporter.

YIR: NOOOO!!

And so my mission was accomplished.  More than that, I left the neighborhood with a new appreciation for the versatility of the lovely word called "NO!".

Perverted Pun Peddling Personnel to be Punished Profusely

I may be the only foreign blogger in Japan who is this happy see Mainichi`s WaiWai get cancelled. I Never thought I`d say this but, Hurray for Censorship!!

No longer will I have to pass by headlines the likes of:  Fast food Sends Schoolgirls into Sexual Feeding Frenzy, Grotesque Gropers Gang up to Form Online Orgy Teams and Gummy Grannies Groping for a Good Time, whilst reading the local news in English.

If you don`t know what Waiwai was all about, let`s just say that in America it would be tantamount to a Japanese expat leafing through Globe and The National Enquirer to find the most outrageous, stereotypically American non-stories and translating them into Japanese news.  Think: "Fat Cowboy with Fifty Guns Feeds on the Fingers of Frightened Japanese Tourists; also hates natto, friends say." 

So yeah, WaiWai is offensive as hell.  But that pales in comparison to the real issue here: those puns in the headlines are hideous!!!  

I mean come on: Weighty Woman's Wickedness Strips Punters to the Bone?  Brainiac Bath Brothel Savior Blowing more than Bubbles? Hooker Housewives Redefine a Hard Day's Work?  Porno Prima Ballerina Stretches More than the Imagination?

Assonance and alliteration can only get you so far, Ryan Connell, and now you will have to pay for what you`ve done to us!

Huhahaha....

WaiWai`s death is a great victory in the battle against bad puns everywhere.

Monkey Bridge Has Fallen Down

So the notorious Nozomu Sahashi, former CEO of NOVA, finally got his ass arrested last week. 

This is certainly a cause for celebration.  I neglected to mention last October, as I was writing The Nova Bunny Suicides, that the primary purpose of that cutting and pasting extravaganza was to try my hand at  cheering up a certain former NOVA instructor.  An instructor to whom I happen to be married.  

Naturally, said former instructor likens Sahashi "a bonafide first-class wanker" whose arrest for embezzlement "is overdue and probably insufficiently brutal".

For old times sake, here are two internal memos we saved from last fall. They date two weeks apart from each other: