I was just trying to figure out my google account so that I could post comments on other people's blogs, when I came across an old blog I used to keep. I clicked on this link hesitantly, as I was sure my old blog would be too painful to read. Surprisingly, however, I find that my ex-blog is soooo cuuuute! And naive! And marginally retarded!
Check it out for yourself!
http://morethansushi.blogspot.com/
I called it "More Than Sushi". How cute is that? And I kept it up for almost three months, writing about the life of a foreign English teacher in Yokohama living with a Japanese homestay family whom I didn't always get along with.
The last post I ever wrote looks to be published on July 22, 2003. This is three days before a Japanese psychiatrist broke confidentiality to call my employer and inform him that I was "mentally unstable," whatever that means. I subsequently got fired from my job and kicked out of my homestay family's house. (Consequently, a lot of this ended up in my upcoming book.)
And I have not looked at this old blog since. Not until today.
Summer 2003: this was my post-eating-disorder-pre-rampant-alcoholism phase. The summer ends, as one may guess, with my moving from Yokohama to the center of Tokyo to embark on my silly career stint as a professional drunk (or nightclub hostess). It seemed the thing to do at the time.
If I remember correctly, during the months I was posting on More Than Sushi I was also cutting myself pretty actively. But there is no mention of any of that in My Little Ex-Blog. That's because cutting isn't cute.
I've had friends from my past that were into SI. One that was fairly close, but even then, it was only by accident when I found out he had done it. I thought no less of him because of it. At one time, recently, I was visiting a site of a young lady from England that was into it very heavy, along with some other things. (She had a good way with words and it helped me understand better the release of it.) A couple of which was dealing with an eating disorder and drinking. She was also very heavy into the submissive life style and that has always interested me. It became clear she wasn't really all that interested in changing, I hated to write that off as a drama queen at work. Oh, I really think she was doing them, but I didn't see where she had decided to really do anything about it either. Too bad, her future wasn't looking very good at all, actually it was looking very short. It was very hard to tell with John what set his off, his roots were clear, but his triggers were closed to me. With her, it was fairly easy to see her triggers, her roots were but a half guess with her to me. There have been others, those are the most recent.
SSRI's, long trip to get that one working correctly for me and even now, it could be better, maybe. I noticed another thing you mentioned, well more then one, but something that we call stimming. Your pulling of your hair. For the most part, my stimming isn't painful. Although I catch myself on the edge of uncomfortable sometimes. The off part is, I don't know I'm even doing it most times, perhaps you know about that little oddity too. Well anyway, none of this is really my business, as I really don't know the direction of your site. Other then it's a glimpse at places I'll never go. I had noticed a comment of yours on VR's site that had me interested in what you said, so I thought I would visit. The part in your comment was "don't beat yourself about this", straight to the point, good advice. Lol, but I still do it. Working on seeing my triggers for those feelings. I also want to get them better into my own view, seperate some things that I have lumped together as the same thing, but I don't think they are now.
I had a pen pal back in the late 50's early 60's from Yokohama, I was way to young to have gained any insights. I very seldom wrote back, but I still have much if not all he ever sent. If I reacll correctly, he had just entered the University of Tokyo and I was still in Junior High School if not a little younger. It's too bad in a way, it wasn't a sign up type deal, but through a friend of a friend, it was a bit more personal. Now we have the internet, it is a wonderful thing that it's easier to travel the world with words. I also found it interesting you passed off your hostess work as silly, above. I don't think it was at all. My other contacts with the culture are very limited. Kimiko-San was a sweety I got to work with in the lab and on a dig or two. I never saw such fine penmanship on such a small scale and I wasn't any slouch at it, when cataloging artifacts. I do know it is an almost impossible place to work doing Archaeology if you aren't Japanese. So I never really set my sights on that part of the world. I almost did the Southern Pacific, but The Wife got a little miffed I would have been away for a year or two. It is always pleasent to see two cultures mix, well as best they ever can. So much of our two cultures meeting has not been good. Assuming we Americans have a culture to begin with. I haven't convinced myself we do yet. ;p
Six months sober and counting, makes me smile. Well done.
Posted by: postpaleo | July 25, 2007 at 08:23 PM
Thanks for all the feedback! It means a lot to me.
L
Posted by: Lea | July 25, 2007 at 08:44 PM