I Am Mr. Taxi

I miss drinking I miss drinking I miss drinking I miss drinking I miss drinking I miss drinking

That said, waaah!

The sun came out today.  Feeling the sun on my skin, the first thing that comes to mind is how quickly I could get drunk in such heat.   "Ii naa," a Japanese expression which conveys a longing feeling of envy, comes to mind.  Then again, I also say "ii naa" when I see the impaired salarymen stagger home at night or the drunks passing out on the train with open bottles, which goes to show that I'm basically nuts.

The problem with having been a chick who drank to deal with basically all aspects of being alive, is that in sobriety, almost everything I do or experience can potentially remind me of alcohol.  Especially when the seasons change, and even when the sun comes out after weeks of grayness.  Somebody please, please tell me this gets easier.

I don't want the rest of my life to feel like I am standing on the edge of a precipice, constantly reminding myself not to jump off.

I am still stalled at my fourth step, with basically no progress since I last complained about being stalled at my fourth step. This makes me identify with the taxi cab I photographed in the previous post.  There is a lot going on around me right now.

Also, I took these pictures for you.

 

Comments

[VicariousRising]

I hate to say it, but the answers might be in doing your 4th step. If you couldn't deal with life without drinking, you probably need to take time to discover what it is that you have been avoiding. Then you can focus on what to do about that instead of focusing on how thirsty you are. Once the problem is out of the way, you can spend your time doing more interesting things with your time that don't involve avoiding problems or drinking them away.

[postpaleo]

"Somebody please, please tell me this gets easier."

Ok, I will, it does, later. Don't ya just hate that time element to things sometimes? There is no set time to this thing, as you're all to well aware of. Some can go faster then others, I was a slow one, but then I had to find another way. It is never a question of time, it is a question of doing it correctly, for you.

"I don't want the rest of my life to feel like I am standing on the edge of a precipice, constantly reminding myself not to jump off."

To figure out why we're on the edge to begin with, the set up, is to know your roots. I have stated elsewhere and I will stand by these words, drinking saved my life. The end result was only a question of time towards the same end, but it delayed it enough to catch a breath of fresh air. Beat it back to it's source, me. I'm my own higher power, only I can do it, no one else can do it for me. That others can shine lights on things that have remained hidden to even my sober (and clean) eyes is the blessing. But still, it is up to me to figure out why the hell I was out to do myself in, to begin with. There can be pro help for this part as well. I was more then dismayed when you wrote about being "turned in" by a former doctor. I would have done some turning in myself on that little piece of human trash. But, I still stand on the edge, there is always an edge, but now I'm just taking in the view. I always know where my edge is, that's the part that makes it easier. Heights won't kill you, falling won't kill you, but hitting the bottom sure as hell will. So try this one on for size, I don't want to be on my death bed worrying about how to make my life better. You know what? I bet I do, lol.

I think you're in trouble, anyone that can come up with post subject catagorys as.. "studies in unfuckedupedness (recovery)" "how's the #@%ing weather?" has my mouse finger hitting your site link more then once a day. So when I type, lol, I really did. It is good to laugh, mostly I do it at myself, it works wonders. But I'll laugh at you too, I'm equal opportunity. You have one that I still haven't figured out, don't push, I want to try a bit longer.

I'll try not to raise as much hell as I did and do on VR's site. But I'm not afriad to speak the truth as I see it, 12 step program or no 12 step program.

But inspite of my predjudiced view of AA, at least tell me they have a good cup of coffee at the meetings there. When I did the rooms some years back, there were very few ladies. I can't say for sure how much this has changed in the States, I suspect somewhat. Do you notice a ratio in Japan or are you, as I asked before, more Western with your group? If I don't stop now this will end up like a kid playing 50 million questions.