So I may as well break the news. The awful truth is that, in just two weeks time, Jade is getting on a plane to Los Angeles, where she will live with her dad for four months. Through my grief I have to admit that this is an excellent move on her part, because she`ll have the opportunity take care of many issues during her time there. If all goes well, she could be back in Tokyo this fall, hanging out with me in the evenings instead of entertaining dirty old men.
Yet in the meantime, it is with a heavy heart that I am currently accepting applications for a new best friend.
Like most opportunities for foreigners in Japan, this is a CONTRACT position. In other words, after four months I will not need you anymore and you will likely need to go away. But don`t be dissuaded. Applicants who fit the following criteria are strongly urged to apply!
- a MacBook, 2007 or later
- a cellphone whose bill you only pay after it stops working
-An ipod library containing music by one or more of the following artists:
Justin Timberlake (so I can make fun of you)
SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATES WILL BE EXPECTED TO:
- speak better Japanese than me, so i can call you with translation questions...constantly.
- give me shit about wearing the same shoes every day.
- try to improve my style by buying me bright orange handbags, which i will never use.
- have a "secret" blog, which I will pretend not to know about. In return, you can pretend not to know about mine.
-A writing sample, please note that PREFERENCE will be given to PUBLISHED pieces about how much you enjoyed reading my book.
-EITHER a professional psychiatric evaluation (of at least one page in length-- anything too short is just boring), OR a copy of your parents` divorce papers
-TWO letters of recommendation, ONE good and ONE bad, from mama-sans you have worked under at hostess bars.
-ONE personal essay; you may choose from the following list of titles:
THE RISE AND FALL OF CHARISMA MAN
JERO RULES: A SCHOLARLY DISCUSSION
WHY I AM OR AM NOT EATING BEEF THIS WEEK
NIGEL IS DISGUSTING: AND YOU KNOW IT TOO
THOUGHTS ON MY EX-BOSS: THE DEVIL INCARNATE
JAPANESE WOMEN WHO SPEAK WITH HIGH SQUEAKY BABY VOICES SHOULD ALL BE THROWN INTO A WELL: A CALL TO ARMS